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Sep. 18th, 2008 @ 01:18 pm Crimes and Politics
So I decided to waste some time today (because I've been working entirely too much lately), so I downloaded some statistics and had some fun with them. I give you crime rates by Red, Blue, and Swing States.

Total Violent Crime Rate (per 100,000 people)
Red States: 417.6
Blue States: 458.4
Swing States: 425.8

Muder Rates (per 100,000 people)
Red States: 5.2
Blue States: 5.7
Swing States: 4.7

Rape Rates (per 100,000 people)
Red: 35.7
Blue: 27.4
Swing: 35.7

Robbery Rates (per 100,000 people)
Red: 93.9
Blue: 165.7
Swing: 123.7

Property Damage (per 100,000 people)
Red: 3429.0
Blue: 3078.9
Swing: 3209.6

Take home message. Red states will rape you and burn down your house. Blue states will rob you and murder you. Swing states are a bunch of pussies who will rape you but not murder you.

Crime data was taken from:

Red, Blue, and Swing State data was taken from the Rasmussen Report:
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Sep. 6th, 2008 @ 12:12 pm Comedy and Tragedy
There are times I think my grip on reality is somewhat tenuous… or that I just don’t care enough to internalize my reactions to the perceived irony around me. Yesterday I was in a meeting with everyone who’s involved in my project at the lab. It was two hours of talking about all of the work I’ve done and everything that’s going to come of it. To date my project will produce at least 3 papers (you need around 6 to have a good shot at becoming a professor) and it’s produced side projects that will probably become two more PhD theses (meaning my work will be the cause of two more people being able to graduate).

Mary (the Chair of Chemistry and my second boss) was going on and on about all of the papers that will be produced (3 from my project, 2 from spin offs) and how it all hinged on me finishing my work. She then turned to Patrick and said, “Good! Now we just need to figure out the biological significance and we’ll be all set!”

I started laughing and couldn’t stop. The rest of the room were looking at each other in awkward silence, because no one knew what it was I found so funny. After a full two minutes of howling laughter I managed to control myself and sighed “My life is meaningless”.

Mary blinked a few times, but is almost too used to my outbursts and then continued on with the meetings. No one inquired what I found so funny afterwards. I’m not sure if they’re just used to me, or if they actively don’t want to know.
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Sep. 4th, 2008 @ 02:22 pm Twitter
I recently joined twitter and I must say I find it to be a good concept, but just slightly too short to be fun. For instance, I can't post limericks on Twitter because the average limerick is about 170 characters (which is above the 140 character limit of Twitter). In response to that I have composed the following limerick...

There once was a website named Twitter
Who's posters did grin and titter
At the small blogs they post
While buttering their toast
But to me it just looks like much litter.
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Sep. 4th, 2008 @ 02:21 pm the wonders of your boss being able to tell you're being humorous...
I just sent an email to my boss...

Hey Patrick,

I signed out the entire first week of October. I thought it would be
appropriate to inform you that the first person to complain about this
(who has used the Machine from more than a week in August and September
combined) is getting brutally stabbed in the face.

I'll be in tomorrow bringing drug data and other goodness as a present

I showed it to a labmate (and potential face stabbee) and he said it sounded dangerously close to an illegal threat. Thankfully, Patrick has a sense of humor about these things.
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Aug. 23rd, 2008 @ 12:32 pm I just realized...
I think I'm pathologically incapable of being straightforward with people. Yesterday an ex of mine called me up to ask for a ride from the airport. She hadn't spoken to me in month... since the last time she needed a ride to the airport. I wanted to say 'You only talk to me when you need my car, go to hell bitch.' Instead I said, 'You get a ride, when I get naked pictures.' She quit talking to me when she ascertained I wasn't joking. I realized after that fact that I wouldn't have followed through on the deal had she accepted, I just wanted her to go away as quickly as possible.

I think I need to work on my communication skills... maybe I should insult people more...
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Aug. 20th, 2008 @ 06:06 pm Ways to make the UPS Guy really uncomfortable #1
Answer the door not wearing any pants and call him Chelsea. He will naturally try to avert his eyes without looking down, hilarity ensues.
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Aug. 19th, 2008 @ 01:11 pm My New Hobby
Applying Draconian Christian Morality to the denizens of Meerkat Manor. FYI Mozart is a whore and deserved the wrath that God has heaped upon her for her whoredom.
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Aug. 16th, 2008 @ 03:05 pm This sucks
Seriously, it would cost me nearly 2 grand to fly to South Africa next week. Planes need to figure out a way to be more efficient so I can scamper around the globe more.
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Aug. 7th, 2008 @ 11:10 am I just got a new book
It's a roleplaying sourcebook called Kill Puppies For Satan. This may be one of the funniest satires I've ever read of the gaming industry... I sort of want to play a game of it.
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Jul. 27th, 2008 @ 11:11 pm Thanks Mom
It happened just a few hours ago. I saw that one of my favorite singers was coming to America for one day only and playing a free show two states away. My first impulse was to go, but I had no idea how. I quickly posted about it on my AIM status, where all important messages go, and I tried to find someone to drive down to Tennessee with me.

I couldn’t go by myself, obviously. I had far too much work to do to make an 8 hour drive. If I was going to go I’d need someone to help me drive, and a way to keep my laptop running on the road. I wracked my brains for people who would go with me, but I have a hard enough time finding people to go with me to the Beachland, much less a venue in another state. I’d only been checking 15 minutes when my sister called me. Laura and I hadn’t really spoken much since May when she called me for my birthday. She told me she hoped I got the teddy bear she sent, and that she’d be voting for John McCain in the fall. It wasn’t a happy conversation.

“Hi, I’m glad I got a hold of you. Look, I just got out of a meeting with a psychic and she said that mom wants me to help you with something. So… what do you need help with?”

At first I couldn’t think of a single thing, and we get to talking about other things. I happen to mention the concert a few minutes later and within minutes the plans are set. Laura has a car charger, and a love of cross country driving. The truly funny this is that when my mother was alive she was constantly calling her children and telling us to help each other whenever we were in need. It makes this a particularly odd coincidence.
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